Endings can feel rude, sudden, horrible and painful. They can also bring great relief.
In both experiences, I’ve often felt a surge of uncertainty, unknowability that followed. I was almost always unprepared for it, almost disoriented in the aftermath.
Like when you move homes, and wake up on day 5 at the new place having forgotten where the bathroom is because you are used to the layout of the old space.
Or, when you are convinced there is movement in your child’s bedroom upstairs even though you know you just dropped them off to university and they are doing fine.
In my case, it’s a job and work family there that is the ending.
In my 12+ years of working at the same place with some of the same people and other new ones, there have been a million little things - feelings, unspoken communication, thoughts, laughs, tears, dreams, ambitions, desires (met and unmet) - that have coloured my day, my interactions , my experiences, and who I am.
It’s a little funny, because when we leave something (or something leaves us), the biggest gap is not knowing who we are without it.
Certainly my job is being replaced with another job, but this configuration will never again be. This week, I’m letting myself acknowledge and feel all of what comes over through the course.
I’m surprised how hard this ending has been for me, even though I’m the one who initiated it; and truthfully, it’s been a long time coming as I’ve been slowly leading up to it.
For the last few months, I had been coasting, being quite complacent with my situation; lightly complaining and eye-rolling to friends and neighbours on more occasions than I care to admit.
But the idea of actually making the choice to leave, having to ask myself…
Truthfully what do I want to do?
What could I do in the world?
What’s my relationship with work, love, service, money, impact?
...and receiving loud silences, was something I was happier to not face.
I’m very blessed though.
I’m surrounded my amazing friends, co-workers and acquaintances who walk the line between supportive and non-BS-consuming.
The truth is, this wasn’t a very difficult decision for me, since I had options. Yet, I delayed and waffled in making a call.
And that’s the funny part. Sometimes, we are in our way - not the job, not the boss or spouse, not the money and not our career goals.
We are told and it is reinforced socially and culturally within us that change is uncertain and uncertain is bad. We effort in every area of life to cure ‘uncertainty’, from the apps that tell us how far our uber driver is, to the carefully career trajectory of an intern. We want to know what the show and movie is like before we watch it, and we choose restaurants based on reviews, rather than our own curiosity or whim.
Breaking out of this mold is no small thing. Personally, I think it should be celebrated every-time we do it - in big and small ways.
This isn’t about being going against what people around us are saying, just because it feeds the rebel inside. Rather, this is about letting ourselves be okay with uncertainty, and finding stability within; that we can then bring onto our path.
This becomes the how of meeting endings and changes - that’s the choice.
Once, that I made a choice and communicated it, the unknowable and unsure parts of my path are larger and more shadowy. But, I felt okay; good even.
It challenges this idea of having goals, and feeling satisfied when they are achieved. That works for some people and it’s great! For smaller things it works for me too, but for larger life adventures, I do actually love being in places where I get to close my eyes and trust; where I get to map out where I am with the eyes of my intuition and intellect and take a step somewhere I didn’t plan; where I get to experience Spirit and adventure in ways that I feel safe and held.
That’s my joy!
Despite that, letting something go, letting it end, wanting to hold on to its familiarity and safety is a massive desire. Especially these days when most things in our world are insane. Maybe, I should have made this decision months ago, but maybe, I made it at the right time for me and the pace I needed to. It’s hard to know if you are being patient or complacent in the moment; maybe the people around you who love you will help you see.
Endings can be painful and harsh. I’ve known those types, too often and too well. But not all of them have to be that.
The wisdom of cycles and seasons is that clinging doesn’t actually make anything better. And if we are rooted into something that is dissolving, we will have to find different ground. The promise of cycles and seasons, is the new growth, new life, new paths are around the corner waiting to meet us.
And who knows, maybe the new opportunities that are tumbling my way from the heart of the universe will bring me just that!
We may feel we don’t have a choice in the ending, but we have a choice in how we meet what ends, and how we great the beginning. That, is something no-one can take away from us.
To whatever is ending, may we all find the courage to appreciate what was, to love it fully and release it, in grace and gratitude.