It is no surprise or secret that we, as a collective, do not have a healthy relationship with death, grief, loss and rebirth. Conversations are hard, awkward and bring up an air of heavy gross discomfort for most.
A coworker’s mother just passed away and while she was on bereavement leave, we had our usual team meeting. When the team found out, everyone felt sad for our coworker and conversation quickly went from sad, to awkward, to silent.
People wanted to say something right and do something helpful, but didn’t know what and how. Awkward silences are even more awkward in online team meetings; until quickly someone asked a question about an upcoming project.
A local florist I talked to a while back, on the subject of sending flowers to a grieving family, shared her experience on this. Often, when people send flowers for other reasons, they are elaborate in their notes that accompany the flowers; all except the ones that are for condolences. I remember her saying that people often didn’t know what to say so they left it to the florist to ‘say something nice’.
This is perhaps that discomfort. What is it that we would want to hear if it was us who are grieving?
This isn’t an easy question, because the answer entails imagining the unimaginable.
But what is it about death - the most natural thing in on Earth - that makes it so unimaginable?
I got a fragment of this answer many years ago at the transplant wing of the hospital I worked at. I walked into the clinic and by a really happy family! They were loud, happily sobbing and chatty; and some of them were on the phone. Their loved one got a heart, after waiting for years on the list. They were celebrating, even though the surgery hadn’t started yet. But this news was so awaited and they were just bursting with joy.
I remember looking at the charge Nurse and saying ‘Oh wow, that’s so awesome!’
She smiled happily and said, ‘Yes. Their happiness is what keeps me going from the grief of the donor family. No-one ever tells you how this feels until you feel it.’
Transplant units are one of those unique spaces in our landscape where unimaginable grief and ecstatic joy can live in the same hallway.
In a way this sounds like the Circle of Life song that the Lions sing about.
The part of the song that I think we miss living, is the connection between what we understand as Life and what we understand as Death.
In our minds, we know what Death is.
But what about in our unconscious beliefs and in our our thoughts?
What is the nature of our fears that disconnects us from Life-Death-Life-Death cycles?
How does Death (ours or another’s) feel in our heart and our guts?
Do we navigate it from a place of how we feel, our truth, or from societal or religious programs?
Love from the Underworlds
The dark cavernous void of no-thingness can be a place of infinite Peace or a place of great terror, depending on how you relate to cavernous voids.
Know that there is Great Love that awaits us here - indescribable Love - just waiting for us to realize it.
It is the type of Love that we cannot feel when we are in the mind and when we are host to doubts, mis-beliefs, and fears that are material in nature.
My fears of death and voids came from exactly that place. I mis-interpreted the underworld, the beyond world, the void place as ‘absent of life and light’ and therefore it was ‘dark and scary’.
This fear can be expressed as denial on one hand; on the other, it can be an unhealthy obsession to the subject.
It took me years to understand, that like Life, Death also flows. That is what makes it connective and a reciprocal part of the Circle of Life.
I have been led by a couple of great Teachers and Masters into Death Meditations that come from different cultures and spiritual lines. While the guided practice and process of getting into the space is very different, the actual experience of releasing into the no-thing-ness was oddly familiar.
This is the Great Love and Beauty of the Void - our personality, our opinions, our arguments, our differences, our world-views and our quirks, all dissolve.
Yours. Mine. All of ours.
And it is familiar. Oddly so.
It is my belief that all who Live, know Death.
We remember it. And when we remember that we remember it, it holds no fear any longer.
If we allow ourselves to know this, there is great relief and peace surrendering here.
And if we allow ourselves to know this deeper, we realize that nothing and no-one is ever ‘lost’, in the way we feel and understand loss from the mental place.
Our loves, our people, our past selves, our ancestors come here to dissolve and in this dissolution of the material form, the Spirit and the Soul yawns a new dawn. It is an all-ness - all there, always there and it has been all along.
Each of us may have different beliefs to what happens after we die - that is deeply personal to each Being.
I cannot say with surety that I know. But what I have felt and feel, is Love from the Underworld, in a different way than I thought Love was possible.
Dusk Rituals
The truth is, we haven’t always been collectively this terrified or in denial of Death.
Every known ancient culture has its Death rituals, just life they have Life rituals (birth, coming of age, birthdays, return from war, marriage, child-bearing and the likes).
The rituals are not an empty series of actions and activities.
Indeed they are the thread that moves through and connects each of us to one another.
If you look closely, most rituals are meant to help guide the living relatives and friends through the release process of the one who has passed. This is because grief is a process - both a personal and collective one - that takes many forms.
All rituals, by their truest function honour the in-between spaces. The ones surrounding death and release honour and deliver us through the in between spaces of Life and Death - the Dusk and the Dawn.
When I was younger, I did not understand why a corpse had to cleaned before burial or cremation. We are given appropriate religious reason for this, but I never understood that in the context of what was happening in the moment. So, I thought it was a needless and crazy activity.
Maybe it is.
And maybe it gives us, the living, acts of care to perform with our hands, so that we aren’t enveloped in our minds.
Maybe it gives us an opportunity to find our own ways and our own time to grieve, alone or with others, as we are surrendered to the flow of the ritual.
Maybe it takes us out of our routine, our day and our life, so that for a short time, we think beyond our Self and our sorrow.
Maybe we realize things about ourselves and what we have been taking for granted.
Either way, we aren’t the same after this experience. We are deeply and inexplicably touched and moved by it, as it has moved through us.
It is likely that most of us haven’t experienced rituals of great intimacy associated with the preparing and passing of a loved one.
While those acts and ritual processes can be helpful, I also know that when it is done from the Heart, the correctness of the action matters less.
As long as we can remember to ritually honour ourselves and our people in the this time of Dusk, in the best and full way we know how, we allow ourselves to open to deep connection, healing and Love, in this time of Dusk.
Maybe that is as simple as lighting a candle for our person in the quiet of the evening, and saying all the things we wish we could have said and sending them happily on their journey.
Maybe it is playing all the favourite songs and dancing and weeping the precious moments shared, letting all emotions flow.
Maybe it is writing out all the stories, grudges, words, patterns, beliefs and happy moments in a letter and weeping a lifetimes of tears as you let your letter flow away in a River nearby.
In the Dusk, there is space to honour the process of release and grief in those quieter moments of the day.
Dark Night and the Dawn
Like many people, I had a disconnected and socially polite relationship with Death matters. For myself, I never thought of it much. I felt sad sometimes, when someone I liked died and perhaps I would cry, and then life would quickly move on. I did feel myself pushing away something, though I didn’t know what or why.
During a particularly challenging few years of my life, I experienced what some people call Dark Nights of the Soul or ego-Deaths - a series of singularly painful experiences that feel unending and excruciating.
Nothing can ever really prepare you for this; in that way it is a bit similar to losing a close loved one. You just have to move through it the best way you know how.
Dark Nights are where your fears and all that paralyzes you comes undeniably to the forefront of your consciousness. Everything you have suppressed and denied within can come to life with all the thoughts, emotions, memories and images. If you do past life regression or ancestral work, that adds a whole dimension to it. The options are, to stay in the loop of fear, or to choose courage and move through.
Having moved through, we get to eventually, witness a Dawn of Self after our Dark Night.
If Atheists are correct, then death is an end and there is but oblivion afterwards. Maybe that is so.
What I know, is what I’ve repeatedly experienced - which is Dawn after what-feels-like-Death.
While the Dawn is welcome new Light, it is still a hazy time. We have just gone through this painful ordeal and yet, the world has received new light and there is new possibility; yet we look the same in the mirror.
But we are not the same.
And, it is still so very dark.
This Dawn, can be quite beautiful and peaceful at times, but often, especially in the beginning it feels like a different type of pain altogether.
Sometimes, we do not want to move on. We cannot possibly accept the new day, because of everything that just happened. It is still dark and we cannot see or even think of moving from this place.
Sometimes we have thoughts of shame - that we are breathing while others are not; that we wish to exchange places with them; that there is so much amazing stuff in our life that we just didn’t see before; that we have been mean and ungracious to the people we love the most.
And so, it is a dawn of new realizations as well, requiring more of our own Soul-light and Love.
These new realizations create adjustments in our identity, our ego structure, our attachments (personal and familial), even our personality, sense of self and our value and belief system.
The haziness of the Dawn, is a dissonance between who we thought we were, and our new unintegrated realizations; both these change who we think we are, what we are made of and what we believe the our place or purpose in the world is.
Who are we now, that we have lost our person?
Who are we now, that we have let pass a version or story of ourselves?
Who are we, now that we have emerged from the Underworld experience?
Who are we, now that we are have realized and remembered our Truer Self?
It can be too much to think about right now. We need time as well as healing and movement now.
Dawn is also a process.
This can lead to a Rebirth in every sense of the word, as we start to re-define who we are after our grief and loss.
This dawn, this aurora - it is the other part of the connectivity between the part of the cycle that is Life and the part of the cycle that is Death.
“You should want to die, as you want to live… brilliantly, beautifully, bravely!”
- Unknowable Source
Integrating Death
Fool: Good Madonna, why mournest thou?
Olivia: Good Fool, for my brother's death.
Fool: I think his soul is in hell, Madonna….?
Olivia: I know his soul is in heaven, Fool.
Fool: The more fool, Madonna, to mourn for your brother's soul being in heaven.”
― William Shakespeare, the Twelfth Night
Both the Dusk and Dawn are different experiences of connectivity that can enrich and restore our reverence to the Cycles of Life and Death - ours and that others.
Perhaps this is that bridge that frees us from this idea that Death is somehow a loss or a sadness.
From the place in our Heart that is Innocent and Foolish, what we if ask ourselves: What if Death enriches us?
Of course, we may be sad and grieve, but what if we also celebrate a life, a journey and a return for our Loved ones to the eternal space of luminous Souls.
What are our religious, social, cultural and personal beliefs that hold us back from this potentiality?
As we learn love and honour Death, so too we deepen our love and honour of All Life as well and we come to be the Keepers of Freedom and the Flow of Radiance like never before.
If this feels hard and impossible right now, then love that too.
It is part of the process - this work of receiving and integrating Love from the Underworld.
If you are already in this place and can, at least in the quiet of your Heart, celebrate Lifes, Deaths, Rebirths and everything in between - then you hold the Knowing and feeling of this resonance. It is Infinite, Eternal and Incomprehensible.
It is a Blessing to All.
Saying Something Nice
…the connection we feel, but do not see in the Void and Beyond space…
This article was birthed because a coworker I have never met in person, was on bereavement leave.
I know very little about her, and have spoken to her a handful of times in the last year (you can tell based on messenger history) and it seemed out of character for me to suddenly out-pour concern to her over the office messenger app.
I had my coworker’s direct message chat window open, and I wondered what I could say to her that was true, real, authentic and not awkward.
My parents are alive, feisty and well. In truth, I have no concept of what my co-worker is going through and what her story and relationship is with her mother.
But I know something of the cycles of Life-Dusk-Death-Dawn-Rebirth.
Truthfully, I didn’t want to mask awkwardness with feigned politeness and say something nice.
I ended up closing my eyes and asking myself what would I want to hear from a random co-worker who didn’t know me very well.
I took some deep breathes and connected to my Heart.
In my Heart Love and Void lives in infinite measure.
With my eyes closed, and breath evenly flowing, I typed.
I opened my eyes to do a spell-check and to see what I wrote.
I hit ‘Send’.
She replied a few minutes later, even though she was still on leave.
Both our messages were short and genuine. More importantly, they were true. I didn’t feel awkward or helpless.
My heart spoke, and hers listened.
It is unlikely she will ever read this article or even know what the passing of her mother has done for me today.
But this exact thing… this is the connection we feel, but do not see in the Void and Beyond spaces of our existence.
This great Gift of Love from the Underworld, changes us, even when we think it has barely touched us. It offers unending reminders of what is precious and sacred; it bestows opportunities of humility, patience, gratitude and appreciation; it pushes us to courage and change; it allows for tears, hugs, break-downs, support and community; it gifts us realization and perspective; it teaches us Life and Living well.
It pulls on our connection to other humans, other sentient life on the planet, yanking the threads of the our Hearts and Souls, reminding us to Fully, Wholly, in all Presence -Live
Live
LIVE
Aarti, this is an article which takes one’s mind into a different dimension; the dimension of the unknown 🤔
Beautifully elaborated on all the cardinal points,
this is certainly one of the best so far from your pen (sorry, keyboard).
Having lost a very close friend, whom I’d known for nearly 60 years and who was more like a brother to me, I’ve grieved and while going thru’ your writing, I remembered as I bid him a final good bye and the pain that persists since he left 5 years back. Reading thru’ your article is as if a balm is applied on my pain.
I am 73+ & having lived a very happy & satisfying life, I am not afraid of death but do pray to transcend into the other dimension peacefully.
Pray for more strength to your writings 💐
Loved this article! That quote from The Twelfth Night is one of my favourites. All the more poignant that the observation is made by the Fool, who is clearly the wisest one of all. I think that speaks wonderfully to the Heart-space that can deliver a wisdom that the Head-space cannot imagine. Thank you so much again for sharing your personal journey through this.