A few weeks ago, I woke up with a sore throat and intense body aches.
I haven’t been sick in over 6 years; not so much as a couch or stuffed nose. It had been so long, I sort-of forgot what ‘feeling unwell’ felt like.
About a decade ago through, I was sick all the time with something or another. So, in between bouts of coughs, I tried to remember what those times were like for me. Those years of my life were characterized with deep grief, anger and resentment, at myself, at the world and my life. I wasn’t an outwardly angry person; all of this simmered within.
It took me years of deep journeying to realize what was going on in my heart, my mind and my body and coming into a state of vibrant health. I went to doctors at the time, but I didn’t find answers, so like most people with an inconclusive diagnosis, I found my way to Eastern medicine practices (like TCM and Ayurveda) and Indigenous practices (First Nations). I learned, explored and practiced countless modalities and each of them eventually brought me a step closer to sources of dissonance within me; and tools and ways to heal.
It wasn’t all pleasant. When you wake up day after day for years in a body that you have serious issue with, you develop resentment, more anger and frustration. You want someone to fix you, to tell what to do, so you can just ‘become normal’ again. You get tired of trying because you were exhausted from the get-go.
But herein, lies our medicine.
The Art of Medicine
Medicine is traditionally defined as the art of healing.
I love that it’s defined as an art and not a science, because while science is a big part of it - in its truest form - I experience it as an art.
It is an art because it threads together the relationship between care-giver and patient, illness and cure, conversation and prescription, love and strategy. Sometimes, the medicine is a conversation, a nap, a shoulder to cry on; other times, it is disciple, adherence to medicine and a look at our lifestyle choices.
Often times, it is all of the above!
You know the feeling, don’t you?
When you walk into a doctor’s office and the way they speak to you, listen to you, before any medicine is prescribed, you sort-of start to surrender and little and feel better, increase in hope and relax into your recovery. As opposed to a different type of doctor where you don’t feel that way.
Medicine has never been a one-size fits all. This is true for herbal remedies as it is for pharmaceuticals. For pain relief for example, if you suffer from a liver ailment, you would take an Advil versus a Tylenol.
It isn’t a one-size-for-all, because you have to know the source of what you are treating, and that source may be different for each of us, even if the outward symptoms are the same. This is where we find our truth.
I used to get a lot of migraines when I was younger. I was in a toxic relationship and we lived together. Some days the only time we wouldn’t fight is when I had a migraine. I took the pain relief pills, but they weren’t the medicine I needed.
I started to take care of myself and eventually worked up the courage to leave, and over a couple of months they disappeared completely.
This why the art-form resonates with me. Because art inspires, asks us to dig deeper and calls us to conscious relationship. Whether we are viewing it in the mirror, or upon a canvas.
Remembering
I had to change everything about my life and my day - what I ate, what time I ate, the clothes I wore, what toiletries and cleaning supplies I used, daily and weekly routines, how and where I worked, who I socialized with and how. There’s very little that didn’t change over the months and years.
I had fears and resistance of course, but I had nothing to lose anymore, so I suppose changing was worth the risk, rather than continuing in what I knew.
Eventually, once day at a time, I started to heal – first in my body, then in my psychology and mind, and eventually my heart and my spirit.
After a couple of years, I realized I had developed a much stronger connection and intuition with my body, and I would feel unwell less and less, or it would last for shorter times. It is sort-of like building a muscle. You work at it, and one day you can pick up something a lot heavier than you could before.
People who knew me in those years noticed the change too. They would ask me what I did and how I healed. The annoying truth is, I did everything. How I lived in almost every facet of life, big and small, changed.
Our life process in our bodies is simply that – a relationship. There is give and take and communication. Like any intimate relationship, I realized when I wasn’t listening or imposing my mind/ ego ideas and judgements on my body, it let me know quite clearly!
I also remembered what being sick was like when I was young.
It was epic!
No school. I got unlimited nap and TV time. My older sibling was forced to be nice to me and play games with me, something she rarely did. I got extra hugs and got to eat in bed. My class friends would copy notes from the school day and some of them would even do my homework for me – the only time my notes and homework were ever done properly!
We lose this as adults though - as seriousness overrides whimsy, work is prioritized over rest(oration) and our sense of self is plugged into what we achieve and do, rather than our being.
So, when I awoke on this particular day, in a state of being unwell, I remembered all these past experiences, and through the aches and uncomfortable moans, I was oddly intrigued.
Somewhat happily, I told my jobs that I needed rest – to honour that moment of childhood ‘no-school today!’
‘Being sick’ or ‘taking a sick day’ is a funny thing, because by nature, our bodies have already started the healing process. So really and more accurately, what we are doing is taking a ‘healing day’ or a ‘day to restore’. Often that means getting out of our heads and what we think we should do and let our Bodies take the lead so that our organs, systems and cells can do their thing!
Healing Relationship
Next, I had to remember what to do to help my body heal, and it all came back to me, because our Bodies always remember.
My medicine cabinet lives on my kitchen shelf where plants, roots and berries are held in glass jars. I picked what I felt my body needed, and put on a large pot or brew to boil.
Between that and Epsom salt soaks and allowing myself to experience whatever emotion, memory, despair or desire that came up, much of the aches and pains subsided. This was an important step for me, because I don’t discern a difference between physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health. For me, it all merges into one word – health! And so, ‘healing’ had to include all those areas, concurrently as well.
I prayed, meditated, journaled and had to practice a lot of gentleness and compassion with my body. By evening, I was a bit better and treated myself to some sweet Netflix bingeing (also a nod of my childhood of excess TV watching when sick).
The next morning, I was 90% better. But I had taken two days off work, so I had this day to repeat some practices, do some yoga (because I could) and strengthen my body more!
I had a bit of a cough for a couple of days after, but all-in-all I healed quickly and was back at work the next day!
We never think of ‘being sick’ as something we have a relationship with, but it is a part of the life-death cycle. I see it now, as a way my body communicates with me. And sure, sometimes I ignore it or pretend I don’t need rest, but luckily, not for too long.
The World at Large
It is 2022 as I write this and our world has its relationship with ‘being sick’.
There is a big notion in the collective consciousness of being upset with our bodies and being annoyed that out ‘life is on pause’ because we woke up physically unwell. We also don’t have an appreciation for emotional, mental or spiritual well-being and how it interfaces with our physicality.
One of the results of this is that we are at war with ourselves. Or perhaps, we are unconsciously battling ourselves and it sometimes manifests as being unwell.
Maybe this is a war between our mind and our body, that so many of us know and experience. Or, it is the collection of notions, ideas and attachments we have to health, life, youthfulness and vibrance which beckon to battle the ideas and beliefs around sickness, decay, death and aging. When we are war, we are generally not in an infinite flow of trust. Sometimes, desperation and fear peak and we may make compromises that we wouldn’t normally. This is us, polarizing what we believe to be separate.
But it is not separate. Like the range of colours on a painter’s palette, these ideas, emotions and beliefs about life and death exist in the colour-wheel of our minds and bodies. They tell us who we are, and if we listen really carefully, they also show us why we are unwell in body, mind, soul, spirit.
Our relationship with sickness and health mirrors our relationship with life and death, with fear and love, with sovereignty and disempowerment, with the opinions of others and what our own counsel is telling us.
When I got sick, I also got better. I got a harsh and painful wake up call to the unsustainable and unconscious way I was living. I was repeatedly humbled by how amazing the human mind and body and spirit are - truly a wonder of engineering and delight!
Healing is an act of love, discovery and the rawest form of personal power. This type of power that cannot be taken away, and to know it, we have to realize that it was always part of us.
A lesson taught by waking up unwell and taking a healing day!